Ghosts and Goblins in Your Relationships

We use words like “falling in love” being “blinded by love,” and even being “struck by a veritable lightning bolt of love.” We have all experienced some variation on the theme. My adult son, who is not given to romantic exaggeration or even much personal disclosure, described his romance with one girl as “in another dimension.”

Yet for romance to last, it has to come down to earth or at least function on a day-to-day basis, and that is when some of the truths start to emerge. Let’s be honest. When we are really in love, we do not want too much truth to get in the way of our perfect relationship. We try to hide from the ghosts and goblins we fear will spoil our joy.

As a lawyer and legal counselor to divorcing couples and also from personal experience, I have come to know there are at least three possible “skeletons in the closet” we have to face if we are to live happily ever after.

Number One: Is your significant other really single? Obviously we would presumably know if the person we loved were actually married – though you would be surprised by the stories I have heard as a family lawyer. I am talking about something more subtle: is he or she still secretly pining for the one that got away? Are they conducting an online long distance flirtation? Is there someone from high school or college or even their last marriage that they cannot forget? Do they browse Facebook looking for updates on an old love’s life? These ghosts can haunt both of you and doom the relationship sooner or later, so it is better to investigate the past together before you try to begin a future.

Number Two: Is his or her mother allegedly a witch and the father nothing but a monster? It is easy to make excuses for either benign neglect or active hostility by your beloved toward his or her family of origin. Sometimes that level of anger is even justified. Still, it’s worthwhile to drill down on the causes and concerns that your love has with his or her family. I have seen that one of two things will be true as a result of someone’s perceptions of their parents: he or she will either repeat the patterns with you, or overcompensate on those issues with you. Either way, it is better if you understand and are prepared for the inevitable fall-out from each of your childhoods.

Number Three: How does the one you love deal with money? The most complicated relationship of most people’s lives is the one they have with money. Understanding your own money fears and those of your significant other is admittedly difficult but absolutely necessary. And when one talks about money, according to a great friend of mine, Judge Michele Lowrance, there are always ghosts in the room … our pasts, our parents, and our passions.

As toddlers, we all wanted our parents to open the doors of our closets or armoires to assure us there was nothing hiding there to harm us. As adults, we owe that same openness to ourselves and those we love. Admittedly, being blinded by love is much simpler because all that soul–searching and truth can be tricky indeed. Then again, true love can be the treat.

Tagged as: marriage, relationship, relationship advice, commitment and relationship gems

Share:

Gemma Allen is a partner in Ladden & Allen, Chartered, and has practiced family law for most of her career. Ms. Allen has written more than 50 articles and lectured on topics that include divorce, child support, maintenance, mediation, cohabitation, women and money, and reconciliation. She helps you navigate modern relationships in “Relationship Gems.”