Modern Families: New Rules

The Emmy award-winning TV show Modern Family reflects the changing face of our families. While we still have many traditional couples married with 2.2 children and a stay-at-home mom, these families are no longer the statistical norm. We women need some new rules to deal with the many ways this new reality plays havoc with old deeply ingrained expectations. Here’s why:

1) We used to expect we would be married by college graduation; now we are marrying later and are not sure if we will ever want to marry; not so incidentally, we now outnumber the men in college.

2) We used to be condemned for being pregnant before marriage or for not being married at all (i.e., an “Old Maid”). Now there are many roads to parenthood, and remaining single or single parenting may be thoughtful and very deliberate choices.

3) Once upon a time, women did not work outside the home unless they did volunteer work; now women reportedly constitute more than half the workforce, and 75% of all women work or have worked outside the home.

4) In the not so olden days, husbands earned the living and wives raised the children. Your success as a woman was dependent on his success and on theirs.

5) In the days of “Cinderella,” no woman could outperform her Prince Charming – any time or anywhere!

None of us would trade our accomplishments or the abundance of our current options; however, our lives have been made more challenging by so many acceptable choices. What complicates our lives even further is that the old rules are still kicking around in our minds, either actively or subliminally. Guilt has become a woman’s constant companion because the new rules are still evolving and the old ones no longer work.

So if I were to suggest some new rules, they would look like this:

1) Marriage is not for everyone and certainly should only be on your timetable. Thanks to modern science and surrogacy, there is no need to marry Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong just because it is “time.”

2) Do not judge your career trajectory by those around you, because your career success may come earlier or later depending on other choices you make—such as the timing of the family you have or are building and any other life experiences you choose to have before or after a traditional work life.

3) As for accomplishing or earning more than your husband or significant other, it is now commonplace and often an economic necessity. If your particular Prince does not rejoice at your success, or cannot thrive because you are excelling, it is time for counseling and reality testing.

4) Do not constantly second-guess yourself as a spouse or a mother; you will inevitably fall short of some standard of perfection that was probably never met by anyone anywhere any way. According to the author and psychologist Shari Thurer in her book The Myths of Motherhood:

“Motherhood—the way we perform mothering—is culturally derived. Each society has its own mythology, complete with rituals, beliefs, expectations, norms and symbols….Our particular idea of what constitutes a good mother is only that, an idea, not an eternal verity.”

What are some of the challenges you’ve faced as a Modern Woman? Are there any “New Rules” you would like to add?

Tagged as: marriage, relationship, relationship advice, parenting, relationship gems and womens issues