New Vows for Financial Fidelity

As a family law attorney, I have come to see how many couples break up over money—especially when there is not enough. The easiest person to blame is each other when the economic ship is sinking. The economic blame-game can quickly become war games with risk of serious damage to a couple.

In order to deal with the financial unknowns in these chaotic times, taking a united approach to financial problem solving is the only way to save a relationship. Consider these “New Vows” for keeping love alive in economically chaotic times.

Vow #1: We will not panic simultaneously. One partner gets to be afraid or depressed or overwhelmed by financial fear, but the other one will stay strong at least in that moment. We all need a chance to say out loud the worst of our panicky thoughts and let someone else either reassure us or sympathize. A couple can do that for each other because each knows the other and knows what is likely true and what is likely overly pessimistic. If economic experts cannot predict the next chapter with any certainty, it is no wonder each of us needs to vent our concerns to the one we love ... but only one can panic at a time.

Vow #2: We will make changes to our spending or saving habits jointly and not allow either of us to let the other one down. Financial life for couples is becoming an Olympic style relay race with every team member having to do his or her best with their respective skills. That may mean one or both work harder or longer or that both spend less and conserve more or any variation that fits your world as a couple. What it does not mean is that you sneak purchases or extravagances or otherwise behave as if the other were unfairly depriving you of things you deserve. If you need more resources or need to spend less money, make your team game plan and then play by its rules.

Vow #3: We will seek help when we need it. Counseling can be essential, whether it is financial or psychological. There are multitudes of debt solutions being touted ranging from "just walking away" from mortgages to personal restructuring to actual bankruptcy. None of these options and their consequences are well understood by most people. Go to the experts as a couple and listen as a team. It is true that modern couples are having to cope with a level of economic fragility that is virtually unknown in modern history. All potential solutions should be at least understood and considered.

Vow #4: We will give each other time to cope with the death or revisions to our Great American Dream. For more men than women, statistics would indicate that they are what they do. Therefore, if they are not working or doing or earning less, they statistically are likely to feel like "less than;" that lack of self-esteem on the part of either person in a couple can be very destructive unless it is understood. For more women than men, the option of being a stay-at-home parent was a dream that is slipping away. For all couples, the historical assumptions that they would be equity-rich homeowners and retire early feel like unreliable assumptions with no clear set of assumptions taking their place. For that reason, every person in any couple has to help the other to let go of old dreams.

The real act of love is to build some new dreams together that are more realistic in these times of economic chaos.

Tagged as: marriage, commitment, relationship, relationship advice, financial planning and finances

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Gemma Allen is a partner in Ladden & Allen, Chartered, and has practiced family law for most of her career. Ms. Allen has written more than 50 articles and lectured on topics that include divorce, child support, maintenance, mediation, cohabitation, women and money, and reconciliation. She helps you navigate modern relationships in “Relationship Gems.”