Keep Your Marriage Sexy

marriage sexy

Creative ways to make monogamy fresh.

Monogamy is a fabulous thing! One of the defining features of a long-term committed relationship is that it almost always provides us with a deep and profound connection shared by another human being. When we willingly commit to spend the rest of our lives with another, not only does our individual behavior change, but it also transforms who we are.

Many of us consider marriage to be the pivotal crux in both our personal and our social lives. During those first few months or years as newlyweds, everything is thrillingly new. The world seems different. Navigating the newness alongside your life partner provides endless opportunities for excitement; a new home to decorate, a new baby to coo over, and for many women, a new last name to get used to. However, as time passes and the shiny façade of a relationship’s exhilarating newness begins to tarnish, we need to acknowledge the condition and actively work to spice things up and keep things feeling fresh and new.

Be creative.
Romance, creativity, spontaneity and passion are not solely reserved for the early stages of a relationship or marriage. Thankfully, there are many couples in committed, long-lasting, solid and sexually active relationships who put in the effort and gleaned the results. Their shared happiness and mutual placidity has less to do with the number of years shared together and more with a desire to fall in love over and over again.

Inevitably, the ‘new’ will someday become ‘old,’ and the most successful monogamous relationships are those with partners who can creatively and collectively think outside the box. Just like we remodel and redecorate our homes after years of living inside of them, we can redesign and/or remodel our strategies and commitment to keeping things new and fresh in a monogamous relationship or marriage.

Spontaneity is key.
The element of surprise is a powerful force. Ladies, men love a woman who isn’t afraid to take the initiative to do something special for her man. If the two you are sitting on the couch watching TV after a long day of work, pull his feet into your lap and offer him a foot massage. Send him a naughty text in the middle of the day. Surprise him with two concert tickets for his favorite artist and tell him to invite one of his guy friends. Be creative.

Go on ‘sexcations.’
If that voracious newlywed sex drive has seemed to lose its steam over time, rev your engines back up! Book a night’s stay at a local hotel and don’t tell your partner about your reservation. Instead, plan to meet at the hotel’s bar downstairs and head in separate cars at different times.

Pretend your partner is a stranger and use a new name when you ‘meet’ and pick each other up. Then, ask your partner if they would like to come upstairs and join you in your room for the night.

Have kids? Take the initiative to set up play dates or sleepovers for them so they’re out of the house – even if it’s for an hour. Plan to meet each other in the middle of the day or on your lunch breaks and have a steamy make out session or a quickie. Scheduled sex can be just as steamy, and it will give you both something to look forward to.

Like anything in life, you need to put the effort in to get the effort back. Putting hard work into a relationship and making a concerted effort to communicate openly and honestly will produce successful results. Take the initiative to ask your partner if there’s anything they feel like you could be doing better or differently. Let your partner know you want to be the best spouse, so if there’s anything they can do to make them happier, you want to know.

Make sure you go into these situations without a chip on your shoulder or be quick to be defensive. If you open the floor for mutual honest communication and ask, try your best to remember that your partner isn’t criticizing you – make him/her feel safe to be transparent with you. Use your partner’s response as constructive feedback and make sure to “hear” all they have to say.

Hopefully you’ll be inspired to take action and show him you listened and cared. That’s the new way to make love and show love – corny, but true.

Choose to be happy.
Manage your stress efficiently. Make the joint decision to leave work-related or extramarital stress out of your relationship. You didn’t marry your partner to be your therapist!

Don’t always use your quality time together as a task master check-up meeting or a venting session where you weigh them down with things they can’t control or actively change for you. Sure, there will be days when discussing the schedule and the daily grind are necessary, but don’t forget to breathe, smile, flirt and be playful and upbeat. Make a conscious decision to be happy!


About Barbie Adler

Barbie Adler is president of Chicago-based Selective Search, and one of the industry’s most respected matchmakers, lifestyle management coaches and personal relationship experts. Profiled as an authority on relationships by Forbes, Fortune, The Economist, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Self Magazine, Men’s Health and CNN, among others. Ms. Adler’s expertise in the matchmaking world is in high demand.