True or False: ‘You’ll Find Someone When You’re Not Looking!’


The truth behind this misused mantra…

Old adages usually carry sound wisdom that stands the test of time. Yet, the adage mentioned above has given me pause lately. As a date coach, I hear it mentioned frequently yet in a misunderstood and misused way.“My mom always tells me not to try too hard, that I’ll just find someone when I’m not looking.”And so, what happens? They’ve done nothing to find love, thinking that he will magically appear delivering pizza or in the automotive fluids section at Home Depot.

I’d like to put my two cents in about what the expression is supposed to mean versus how it’s interpreted.

“You’ll find someone when you’re not looking” is misinterpreted by many as, “Do nothing about finding love, and if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen to you.” Would you give someone that advice if they were looking for a job? “Don’t worry, hon! The job of your dreams will come to you when you’re not looking!” Really?

What the statement really means is this: When you are truly whole and happy with yourself, passionate and confident, people will flock to you like sheep. When someone tells you you’ll find someone when you’re not looking, the implicit meaning is that you’ll find someone when you’re focused, complete and happy in other areas of your life – not wearing the neon sign of ‘Please Date Me So I Can Be Whole’ on your head. It doesn’t mean to do nothing!

So, to ‘find someone when you’re not looking,’ you first need to look within yourself and get back to that happy, self-complete place. What is it that brings you joy?

What makes the hour hand whiz by on the clock or time stand still? If you can’t think of something, think back to childhood. What did you enjoy doing as a kid? Maybe planting flowers, singing, baking cakes, sketching fashion designs. Whatever it was, start doing it again. We so often forget to nourish ourselves. Take a class doing something you’re interested in and you’ll be amazed at what can happen. You’re in an environment, doing something you love, getting better at it and meeting new people who love the same thing.

Are you afraid of being alone? Are you bitter with resentment? Afraid of rejection? Negativity will hold you back from finding someone. Facing, dealing with and ultimately letting those feelings ‘fall off’ of you, like water off of a duck, is what needs to happen.

Ask yourself some questions: What do I love about myself and my life, and what am I grateful for? What is one thing that I’m not totally happy with, and what can I do to change it? Sit and be silent with yourself. Embrace what’s working and start with baby steps for what isn’t.

When you genuinely feel good about yourself, are happy and complete, you can rest assured that it will start raining men.


About Bela Gandhi

Bela Gandhi is the founder of Smart Dating Academy, a full dating coaching service that provides busy, successful professionals with one-on-one coaching, image consulting, personal shopping, professional photography and online dating consulting. She has been featured as a dating and relationship expert for the Chicago Tribune, WGN-TV, Tribune University, CL-TV, WGN Radio, RedEye and The Mash, and has been called "The Fairy Godmother of Dating" by the Huffington Post. Ms. Gandhi also has extensive personal career coaching experience through her affiliation and board membership with The Cara Program.